Pain of winning

My Sundays are usually reserved for friends and playing games. So yesterday, when I happened to cut my middle finger(!) with a knife (trying to open a packet of milk to prepare some coffee), I felt that I had trashed my Sunday. As I would not be able to play computer games. Though the cut wasn’t terribly bad, but being deep enough, it was paining like hell.

Now we all know that middle finger has a glorious past. J

But for me, its use has been limited to playing racing games. Those familiar with NFS series will know about the fast and calculated use of fingers. I use the middle one of my left hand to get Nitrous Boosts (using the ALT key on the left side) from time to time. And using it is one hell of an important part of playing the game. So what should have I done? Even if I had bandaged it, my entire gaming experience would have become corrupted. So I decided that I shall dump doing my coffee and just like the hero from 300, would sacrifice myself in an effort to score a famous victory in the game.

I started playing with a damaged middle finger.

The main issue was that whenever I tried to use Nitrous to get ahead of my rivals, the blood would start oozing out of my finger. And I could literally feel the pain in my head. And it seemed that the entire stretch of the nerve joining my middle finger to my head was showing middle fingers to me. I felt like showing the middle-finger to everyone. I realized what it is to feel the maximum pain (remember Max Payne!! I wonder why games are so painful.)

So I continued playing and finally after loosing 3 times in a row and wasting a lot my blood, I finally did manage to win it. Win the race of supremecy.

Here it goes again, now I am sorry that I cannot continue writing more, as my finger is again trying to persuade me to stop my immoral endeavour of boring the hell out of the readers (if there are any left by now ).

This is what is known as the pain of victory, or should it be the victory of pain?

12:22 – Story of a very close friend

12:22 – Story of a very close friend

I was at a very secluded corner of a street and the clock was at 12:22am. I was, then, at that place, to meet an old friend of mine. I had not forgotten him, but he was also not in my active memory. At that very moment, I saw him coming towards me. He was as usual, ‘as he always was.’
Half of his face was illuminated with an orang-ish light from the nearest streetlamp. He took a look at his watch and gave me a smile. His smile said it all. It was a smile that had nothing to hide or to escape.

“The winter of love was 2 years ago.” – he said.

“What??” …I wanted to say. But somehow, I couldn’t.
It seemed that he, after all the past years, had enough faith on me to tell me about his life’s very dark moments. And I, didn’t have enough courage to stop him from doing so.

“You know what 12-22 means to me?”
“It has nothing to do with anyone except me. Not even her.” – he said.

I said – “Maybe it is symbolic of the month and the day of…”

He smiled…as if saying, “how could you know it man!”

He continued with his story. It was not the series of events that were unique or had any significance. Rather, it was his intensity, his possessiveness of the events he was involved in, that made a statement.

I started to feel what he wanted me to feel.

He was of the very few I knew, who had an amazing amount of will power, and could not ‘not try.’ But here, he seemed like the image of a bridge surrounded by fog. Freedom seemed elusive. He was clouded, but he was always there, within his own firm grasp.

“It was getting too much for me. I had to tell her everything.” – he said.
“And I did.”

“I told her everything. I lost myself completely. For the first time in my life, I surrendered to someone unconditionally and completely. I was at her complete mercy. My love was my response to the highest values. All of which were embodied by her. And then, it was all upto her. And…”

He broke down.
I knew what the rest of the story was.

It was very unusual for me to see him cry. He was the only person, who knew that suffering was not our natural fate. And as if, he read my mind, he said –

“It is not that I don’t suffer. It is that I know the unimportance of suffering. It did hurt me a lot and SHATTERED seems to be the only word that could have described me at that point.”

But I knew, the extreme pain that my friend had experienced was not to be his reason for stopping. Atleast, I know him to an extent that, the feelings he personified, showed that he was totally destroyed at that juncture of his life. But it was obvious that he would be trying to convince his love once again.

“I could not talk to her again as it would have been very uncomfortable for both of us. So I wrote down everything I had to say and….. and she even replied back!”

“Her denial had destroyed me. But her response to my mail gave me back my life.”

I thought that this story was now going to turn into one with a happy end.
But my friend broke my confidence then and there.

“It is only when you fall flat on your back, in the darkest of nights, that you can see all the stars shining in their full and scintillating glory.”

“Her reply was short and crisp. With her reply she made clear the value she gave to my feelings. And I knew, though it seems very unobvious that – I had made a wrong choice.”

“Her reply told me, what value people give to your feelings, if they don’t reciprocate it.”

“Her reply told me, what great fortune it was for someone to find his soulmate. And even greater fortune, if that soulmate felt the same.”

I was left speechless. My heart was crying for my friend. My mind was totally paralyzed.
For a few minutes, we both could say nothing. He stared away into the darkness of the night and I stared at his shadow. It seemed that his shadow was also crying.

Then I asked him about the current situation.

“I hate her.” – was his reply.

I couldn’t believe my ears. Now here was a guy, who was deeply in love with a girl, who never gave a damn to what he felt. He was ready to do anything for her and now he say….

He explained –

“You know what…it was really very close to my heart when I told her about my feelings. You only share feelings when you have faith. Faith on powers beyond our control. I had never before realized what love felt like. For me, she gave the meaning to love.
But….
But now I hate her.
She is the only one I have ever hated in my entire life.
And I hate her so much because I have never loved anyone so much in my life, nor I ever will.”

Time was stuck at 12:22 for both of us.

Somebody very aptly said – “Somebody has to make a sacrifice everytime a decision is taken”
…and this time…..my friend made it.

…and I know what his hatred meant.

Oh!
You must be wondering, who was my friend???

But does it make any difference to anyone expect me?

I know, it does not…

I am still waiting for you

It is not the pain that matters,
it is the loneliness that shatters.
I always felt that there was someone for me,
but it seemed that God wanted a fee.
For me, the time had come for a disaster,
but in the end, it were the emotions I couldn’t master.
Then you came to me without a sound,
and it seemed like love that I had found.
In your company, I found pleasure,
as you became my undiscovered treasure.
I don’t know whether what I say is wrong or right,
but one thing is true that I always want you in my sight.
I think that one day you will reciprocate what I feel,
even though today, for you, it might not be a big deal.
I don’t have much more to say, except what is very true,
that as usual, I am still waiting for you…